Saturday, 30 June 2012

Great Buffoons in History or A few old Troglodytes in search of Sanity

Great Buffoons in History
A few old Troglodytes in search of Sanity
by Barry Van-Asten

The first annual meeting of the ‘Happiness Society’ in 1929. Top row, left to right: Mr Walter ‘smiler’ Tootle, Dr Edward ‘chuckles’ McDuff, Sir Cedric Picklemusch. Bottom row: Mr Frazer Upsandown, Bishop James ‘happy’ Harris M.A. and Sir Crumbert Oswald Q.C. The club was disbanded soon after due to lack of enthusiasm!

The queue starts here for the Vicars and Bankers fancy dress Ball! Let God look after your finances and the Bankers will take care of your soul!

The things we men do just to get away from the wife!

There is a large turnout for the start of the Great Hat Race of 1937! From left to right: Mrs Elizabeth Crabtree ridden by the simple Beret (7-2), Lady Amelia Bloodstone ridden by the Tricorn (6-1), Mrs Cecilia Choker-Jones ridden by the Twisted Turban (2-1 favourite) and Mrs Evangeline Sprott ridden by the much favoured Mortar Board (9-1). After a delayed start the Twisted Turban fell at the fourth hurdle and the Tricorn went on to win the race!

‘Yes, yes, my good man, a fine collection of tin cans don’t you know, but have you anything a bit ‘special’ for the more discerning of patrons? You know old boy, in the back room, no questions asked sort of thing! The old Duchess here is quite partial to the old ‘long pig’ though she does like them young ‘n’ plump; very fond of the ‘hairless goat’ she is, if you get my meaning, old boy?’

Man on right: ‘Angry – I’m bloody furious! Being of a refined and delicate nature I am loath to favour the sport of “cottaging” and so I put this top hat and fancy chain on and go “carriaging”, much more gentile for a man of my standing. But I picked this old fool up, who by the way is an absolute toilet flush when it comes to kissing, and I’m stuck with the old so and so! All I said was, very politely “do you prefer to park the Bentley round the back?” Well as you can see, my evening’s ruined and I’m this much from scratching his eyes out! – What do I think about gay marriage? It’s for the middle classes, isn’t it?’

Pointing man: ‘Look! It’s one of those space-time portal thingy’s!  I say wouldn’t it be fun to go back in time and see the Pharaohs? Or perhaps we could go forwards and see the 2012 London Olympics!’

Man next to him in bowler hat: ‘You mad old fool! Don’t you know that Great Britain in 2012 is enduring some of the worst austerity measures with mass unemployment, escalating crime figures; a near breaking point Police Force, under a corrupt Government! Besides, you’d have more luck finding a talking horse than you would getting a ticket for the 2012 Olympic Games!’

Doorman to the left: ‘Lady Muckspreader ‘ere looked down ‘er nose at me, so I pissed in ‘er soup in the kitchen! I won’t tell ya what I did in her salad! It aint done ‘er any ‘arm, but it’s done me the power of good!’

The Long March! – Bishop Doodle McShandy and his ‘friend’ Father Sweet are bringing Christianity to the savages of the West Midlands – it proved an arduous task!

‘Look here my good man! The letter plainly stipulated a “sexy nun will give adult fun!” Now when I ask for a “sexy nun” I expect a “sexy nun” and not some cross-dressing old queen!’

Bed Wetter of the Year 1939! Crowds cheer as the winner of the incontinence handicap race held in Lambeth crosses the finishing line for the third year running! Onlookers saw Lady Matilda ‘damp-foot’ Mountjoy, ‘sprinting’ to the post before dropping stone dead on the line. Her last words were “How’s about a strong cup of tea, some Hobnobs and a sit down!” before she expired in a pool of urine that shone like a lake of gold in the London sunshine! Runners up were: in second place – Professor James ‘Amazon’ Atkinson OBE, also known as the ‘Trouser Mauser’ (far left); in third place – Sir William ‘waterworks’ Spalding (far right). In fourth place – Lady Clarissa ‘the bladder’ Fielding, and in last place – the Reverend Martin ‘dribbler’ Matthews M.A.

‘Nowt wrong wi’ us! There’s no corruption in Politics Sir! It’s the very foundation of our country and business is business! Why, we’d make an alliance with Satan himself if it meant capital gains and the growth of industry! Now bugger off!’ From left to right: Cyril ‘Knuckles’ Pemberton, Malcolm ‘Crusher’ Watkins, Terence ‘Fat-lip’ Jones and Henry ‘Thumper’ McGruff.

The infamous baby-eating nun of Camden Town is found to be none other than disgraced peer of the realm Lord Lucan! Detective Constable Harry Snapdog commented: ‘This is a great day for British justice! We can now close the file on the mystery of the vanishing Lord! He may be missing the famous Lucan moustache – but it’s ‘im alright!’

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