Great Buffoons in History
or
A few old Troglodytes in search of Sanity
by Barry Van-Asten
The first annual meeting of the ‘Happiness Society’
in 1929. Top row, left to right: Mr Walter ‘smiler’ Tootle, Dr Edward
‘chuckles’ McDuff, Sir Cedric Picklemusch. Bottom row: Mr Frazer Upsandown,
Bishop James ‘happy’ Harris M.A. and Sir Crumbert Oswald Q.C. The club was
disbanded soon after due to lack of enthusiasm!
The queue starts here for the Vicars and Bankers
fancy dress Ball! Let God look after your finances and the Bankers will take
care of your soul!
The things we men do just to get away from the wife!
There is a large turnout for the start of the Great
Hat Race of 1937! From left to right: Mrs Elizabeth Crabtree ridden by the
simple Beret (7-2), Lady Amelia Bloodstone ridden by the Tricorn (6-1), Mrs
Cecilia Choker-Jones ridden by the Twisted Turban (2-1 favourite) and Mrs
Evangeline Sprott ridden by the much favoured Mortar Board (9-1). After a
delayed start the Twisted Turban fell at the fourth hurdle and the Tricorn went
on to win the race!
‘Yes, yes, my good man, a fine collection of tin
cans don’t you know, but have you anything a bit ‘special’ for the more
discerning of patrons? You know old boy, in the back room, no questions asked
sort of thing! The old Duchess here is quite partial to the old ‘long pig’
though she does like them young ‘n’ plump; very fond of the ‘hairless goat’ she
is, if you get my meaning, old boy?’
Man on right: ‘Angry – I’m bloody furious! Being of
a refined and delicate nature I am loath to favour the sport of “cottaging” and
so I put this top hat and fancy chain on and go “carriaging”, much more gentile
for a man of my standing. But I picked this old fool up, who by the way is an
absolute toilet flush when it comes to kissing, and I’m stuck with the old so
and so! All I said was, very politely “do you prefer to park the Bentley round
the back?” Well as you can see, my evening’s ruined and I’m this much from
scratching his eyes out! – What do I think about gay marriage? It’s for the
middle classes, isn’t it?’
Pointing man: ‘Look! It’s one of those space-time
portal thingy’s! I say wouldn’t it be
fun to go back in time and see the Pharaohs? Or perhaps we could go forwards
and see the 2012 London Olympics!’
Man next to him in bowler hat: ‘You mad old fool!
Don’t you know that Great Britain in 2012 is enduring some of the worst
austerity measures with mass unemployment, escalating crime figures; a near
breaking point Police Force, under a corrupt Government! Besides, you’d have
more luck finding a talking horse than you would getting a ticket for the 2012
Olympic Games!’
Doorman to the left: ‘Lady Muckspreader ‘ere looked down ‘er nose at me,
so I pissed in ‘er soup in the kitchen! I won’t tell ya what I did in her
salad! It aint done ‘er any ‘arm, but it’s done me the power of good!’
The Long March! – Bishop Doodle McShandy and his
‘friend’ Father Sweet are bringing Christianity to the savages of the West
Midlands – it proved an arduous task!
‘Look here my good man! The letter plainly
stipulated a “sexy nun will give adult fun!” Now when I ask for a “sexy nun” I
expect a “sexy nun” and not some cross-dressing old queen!’
Bed Wetter of the Year 1939! Crowds cheer as the
winner of the incontinence handicap race held in Lambeth crosses the finishing
line for the third year running! Onlookers saw Lady Matilda ‘damp-foot’
Mountjoy, ‘sprinting’ to the post before dropping stone dead on the line. Her
last words were “How’s about a strong cup of tea, some Hobnobs and a sit
down!” before she expired in a pool of urine that shone like a lake of gold in
the London sunshine! Runners up were: in second place – Professor James
‘Amazon’ Atkinson OBE, also known as the ‘Trouser Mauser’ (far left); in third
place – Sir William ‘waterworks’ Spalding (far right). In fourth place – Lady
Clarissa ‘the bladder’ Fielding, and in last place – the Reverend Martin
‘dribbler’ Matthews M.A.
‘Nowt wrong wi’ us! There’s no corruption in
Politics Sir! It’s the very foundation of our country and business is business!
Why, we’d make an alliance with Satan himself if it meant capital gains and the
growth of industry! Now bugger off!’ From left to right: Cyril ‘Knuckles’
Pemberton, Malcolm ‘Crusher’ Watkins, Terence ‘Fat-lip’ Jones and Henry
‘Thumper’ McGruff.
The infamous baby-eating nun of Camden Town is found
to be none other than disgraced peer of the realm Lord Lucan! Detective
Constable Harry Snapdog commented: ‘This is a great day for British justice! We
can now close the file on the mystery of the vanishing Lord! He may be missing the famous Lucan moustache –
but it’s ‘im alright!’
