THE
WAND OF SILENCE
by
Barry Van-Asten
by
Barry Van-Asten
Excerpts from the Magickal Diaries
PART
THREE
Indubitably, Magic is one
of the subtlest and most difficult of the sciences and
arts. There is more opportunity for errors of comprehension, judgement, and practice than in any other branch of physics.
Aleister Crowley 1875-1947
Do what thou wilt shall be the
whole of the law
After five years of silence (H.P.K.) in which the
Great Work was abandoned on Thursday 20th April 1995 e.v. the Great
Work is begun again [becomes active: R.H.K.] on Monday 7th August
[Sun in Leo] 2000 e.v. [the 96th Year in the Aeon of Horus].
He taketh up the Sword and he sings unto Ra Hoor!
Day One
Monday 7th August. 6.25 p.m. I made my magical affirmation! I have given ten days to see a definite and positive change – be it by a word or a deed or a thought. Ten days! And ten days shall see me at its end either marked under the logos and performing the G.W. – or dead! I re-affirmed my oath: Love is the law, love under will. 01.30 a.m. Dharana on tip of nose using A.M.P.H.
Day Two
Tuesday 8th August. I dreamt that I was climbing a mountain in the glorious sunshine but I could not go up and I could not go down! A bit like me in general at the moment! I must throw myself into situations beyond my measures, even distasteful to me, and remain objective.
Day Four
Thursday 10th August. 03.00 a.m. Prithivi Tatwa and astral formation. I began feeling ill today. For some reason my mind turned to Theosophy and I thought of going to the Blavatsky Lodge – it must be some sort of delusion caused by the illness!
Day Five
Friday 11th August. 04.00 a.m. Dharana on moving pendulum, quite good. I felt much worse today, really quite ill and pains all over. I slept from 2.30-3.50 p.m. and felt a little better for it. ‘Make thee an island and fortify it’ – make thyself into an island and strengthen it against external forces!
Day Seven
Sunday 13th August. I received a sign of the G.W. – as I had sworn to accept all phenomena as a definite sign directly to me I cannot ignore the significance of it. I am beginning to understand my period of silence more. I can also see how Frater _____. was carefully placed in my way and all the signs are pointing towards me taking up the robe of initiation once again, but I must remain objective.
Day Nine
Tuesday 15th August. 01.30 a.m. Chakras. I dreamt I was in a secret garden with lots of animals and I felt that I was being watched. There was a cat all trussed up with vine and I freed it. There were hordes of spiders in an old cupboard drawer. I had a sort of revelation last night (my being was flooded with the idea): (a) I am to give away all my possessions, and (b) walk towards the east, taking my sick body as far as it will go before falling dead, like the elephant and its graveyard. To sleep with nature through all the elements; drinking from the springs and rivers with no fear of death or disease, eating from the fields and the forests, with no importance on life whatsoever. I have been re-reading Crowley’s Confessions over these past nine days of my oath and ordeal and I realise now that my abandoning of the G.W. was necessary. I needed to grasp the fundaments of life before I could proceed upon the path. Obstacles have been placed in my way both great and small which had to be overcome.
Day Ten
Wednesday 16th August. 01.30 a.m. Astral; physical limitations within. The current of will for the ten days of ordeal – the burning of the declaration ‘Let it vibrate throughout the universe and place upon me the supreme current of will and open mine eyes and mine heart...’ ‘Love is the law, love under will.’ [and on the reverse: the seal of the Neophyte].
Thursday 17th August. 01.30 a.m. I called upon the H.G.A. for a sign relating to the G.W. to guide me. I got into my asana: hands locked in yogic mudra (active and passive). Chakras and the signs of the grades, (with L.V.X. – H.P.K. – Horus/enterer). Tatwa: blue disc (air). Invoke Shu – the brilliant blue penetrated the whole of my being. I rose in the astral body but instead of vertical I travelled horizontally (but the outcome was the same, if more effective). There was no blackness, just pure white. I used ‘Thelema’ as my mantra and increased the speed until I was unconscious of doing it. The astral soared into the whiteness and became extremely fatigued until the astral suddenly slowed down of its own accord, without me noticing it immediately. It was difficult to move, it almost came to a complete halt, so I assumed H.P.K. and the astral increased at a great rate into the air. This happened two more times and I used the sign of the enterer to continue. Images appeared which I counted as distractions. I invoked the pentagram of air and fixed it in my Ajna. I lost consciousness and regained consciousness at 02.30 a.m., where I rose and read Magick.
03.30 a.m. A Vision of the Elixer [Amrita]. It cascaded over me in torrents, not downwards, but its source was from below. I was bathed in it and its consistency was as thick ‘dew’ – a strange amber quality, or milky sap. It was unending and seemed to evaporate into the skin.
1. Positive: Active – the Sun.
2. Negative: Passive – the Moon.
3. The Conjunction – the Sun and the Moon combined.
It was uncontrollable and no matter how hard I willed it to stop, it would not.
Saturday 19th August. Strange how my will is working in accordance with my wishes and how things around me seem to be ‘arranged’ as I desire; too numerous to list but happening daily. But this illness all the time – why? The lock on my door [front door to stairwell] is broken. It can be opened from outside, but strangely not inside! I did an invocation to protect the threshold. Thus I have no fear in leaving the door open while I am away at work. I have also noticed physical changes in my appearance, there is a ‘brightness’ all of a sudden, as if from within. The will is strong, so strong that I have to refrain from thinking certain things for fear of bringing about the actuality.
Sunday 20th August. Still feeling a little ill. I have deliberately chosen against performing any magical workings, except what is recorded, despite the ‘fatal force’ I feel inside. I must begin at the beginning – I have sought the Baphomet obscure! ‘Poised’ is a good description of my current state.
Monday 21st August. The front door has now been fixed. Reading Confessions.
Tuesday 22nd August. 01.35 a.m. some excellent work with the chakras. Dharana on Ajna and used mantra: A.M.P.H. I was ill most of the night, not quite feverish, but something odd beneath the skin is going on! It has all happened since the tenth day of the ordeal operation –I fear there is much to come!
Wednesday 23rd August. 01.30 a.m. Chakras – formulation. The robed astral body in the sign of H.P.K. I used mantra: A.M.P.H. – numerous auditory hallucinations. I ended the work at 02.30 a.m. Later: A dream within a dream – I woke at 04.30 a.m. hearing the sound of a heart beating, which then became footsteps and someone then touched the bed which made me shout out. I saw an image of my brother at the side of the bed and he said ‘someone is outside!’ I actually opened my eyes on seeing him standing there and was completely surprised not to be in another location. Strange, but I have no motivation to do anything since returning to the G.W. even though I have much to do: photos for an exhibition and paintings etc.
11.15 p.m. The Final declaration! [Unto the H.G.A.] Its culmination leading either to the Holy Robe of the G.W. – or Damnation! Indefinitely, without reservation and with obedience unto the Law of Thelema! I cannot discuss the nature of the obligation, but failure of its fulfilment will result in my abandoning of the G.W. – Love is the law, love under will.
Thursday 24th August. 12.45 a.m. Chakras. Mantra: Y.H.V.H. quite good. Will in Motion.
Friday 25th August. 04.00 a.m. I attempted some astral work but was too tired. I am beginning to feel the importance of the work once more, so much so that I refrain from thinking things in the ordinary sense for fear of bringing about their consequences. I must remain silent, vigilant and above all, objective. The lust of result is a hideous worm, lust is base and the appropriate state is a reposed and reflective contentment, like glimpsing something from the corner of the eye, not the central focus, but in one’s peripheral range of vision. No lust; no striving after phenomena – failure is only a reflection of success. I understand its (al)chemical process, though language escapes its description: ‘vessel – medium – objective [the Magical Link]. Results continue!
Saturday 26th August. 04.00 a.m. I returned home, feeling severely tested. My own bigoted mind has been exposed to myself! I have learnt much in my failure! 04.50 a.m. I attempted Dharana with ‘Do what thou wilt’ as my mantra and it flameth in my brain like kisses until awakening! 2.00 p.m. I re-cast my obligation to the H.G.A. in plain English so that even He may understand and not toy with His brother adept! The consequences thereof still stand: Love is the law, love under will.
Sunday 27th August. Morning dream: I was in a house, modern interior and furnishings. A breeze blew from the hall and made the drawing room door close. I went to the front door and noticed it wasn’t locked (this was about 3 or 4 a.m.) As I shut and locked the door, I attracted the attention of some men outside (there was a twisted lace curtain veil covering the door). A man knocked, wanting some assistance. I told him to go away. He tried his own keys in the door and I heard other voices urging him on. I became abusive and swore at him. I then stormed to the drawing room to fetch a metal bar with a heavy spring coil on the end and I went back to the hall with it. I saw a man with a brick smash the glass in the door. The door flung open and in he rushed. I tried to strike him with the rod but he avoided the blow! The end! Moral: Don’t draw attention to yourself. By locking the door I attracted unwanted forces and set in motion a hostile current! The magical operation made on Wednesday 23rd August is reaching its conclusion, but not its desired objective! I await the newly directed current to manifest. I made it physical and cut the + on my arm to invoke the internal will in the external matter (or ‘cloak of the will’).
Monday 28th August. At a loose end and even after extending my magical working to include today, I feel the current has fallen flat! Though there were definite changes around me! At 6.30 p.m. I re-affirmed my Magical working in the Temple; consecration of the circle; L.B.R. (Pent and Hex) after I generated sufficient Kundalini; Invoked the four quarters with the current in the form of a fire-ball, white hot, being my will symbol. I re-stated the charge; banished in the four quarters and settled upon Dharana on the R.C. the fragile rose, symbol of beauty [see Formula of Tetragrammaton] and the cross of sorrow and death – the rose of flesh and the rose of blood: spirit over matter... I gazed upon a pyramid under the fragrant night sky filled with stars about the full moon, while using the mantra: A.M.P.H. and I saw the ragged bones of ‘he that once lived’ chained to a wooden wheel and silhouetted against the blue sky of night. I passed through into nothingness in the sign of the enterer (Horus). I then perceived this sickness in humanity and I remained impartial to it. I saw (as if seeing through a woman’s eyes: Nuit/Isis) my swollen breasts before me and I gazed down and saw the swollen belly, that veiled the fertile womb, ripe with life, yet beyond this, I could not pass, though I tried tearing asunder the veils that hid the ways before me. And all had ended! I fell into gentle sleep! Tuesday 29th August. 12.45 a.m. Chakras with mantra: A.M.P.H. I rose into the air... I found myself in bed with a small monkey [the Ape of Thoth, the Cynacephalus]. I was afraid of his bite and tried to fix the window so it was open enough for air to get in but not enough for the monkey to get out! 9.55 p.m. I realise that I cannot be angry with those S.C. (Secret Chiefs). It was my own stupidity that failed in not expressing the correct details in my obligation etc. I await the outcome of the new energy, both astral and physical. I shall continue to interpret all phenomena, be it by a word, a sound, a thought or a dream, as a direct communication unto me!
Wednesday 30th August. 12.30 a.m. Chakras with mantra: A.M.P.H. Invoke Pentagram of Air (blue disc) God: Shu. There was a disturbance outside at 12.45 and the work ended. But there was a good transference of consciousness from physical to astral body. Then later a vision: I was in a place familiar to me and wearing some strange ‘visionary material’ over my head. I received a vision of the B.V.M. [Blessed Virgin Mary]. She became material in the form of a painted ceramic dog that was very hot to touch. It cooled down and became organic – an actual living dog. It began to attack me, but I fooled it and lured it into another room where I locked the door on it and I returned to normal consciousness at 04.30 a.m.
A strange mark has appeared upon my flesh, on my left shoulder above the + I cut. A triangle has become visible (in the same manner as the circles I received when undergoing the O=O Ritual).
Thursday 31st August. 12.30 a.m. Chakras – very good. In the sign of H.P.K. I used the mantra: A.M.P.H. and rose into the air in my robed astral form. I held the ‘black egg’ of spirit (Akasic) which I invoked in Ajna. Quite successful, but I realise I am missing certain formula that only Magick in Theory and Practice contains: Preliminary Invocation of the Goetia: Keeping four ‘things’ sustained in motion proved very good as a way of distraction and deep concentration; this was: (1) the path of the astral body, (2) H.P.K. (3) mantra: A.M.P.H. and (4) Tatwa: Akasa. I found it easy to transfer the consciousness, but without the formula I am lost! It is strange, but I feel positive about the current I have initiated, yet I also feel a little forsaken, a transitionary period (as in I.A.O.). Later, the current manifested and I could do nothing – some sort of side effect or ‘leakage; perhaps and some beautiful woman could not resist from stroking my face, in fact, she could not pull her hands away from me.
Monday 4th September. 1.30 a.m. Chakras – attempt transverse (exterior formulation) which was good. Tatwa: Earth (yellow square), sign of the enterer (Horus). Vibrate names etc: ‘Adonai Ha Aretz – Auriel – Phorlakh’. Very positive. I saw a woman laughing and she had golden skin. I vibrated the names and she crumbled before me, thereby showing that she was not a true dweller of the element. I saw a landscape, many came upon me and I saw them off using the names and the signs: Illumination – the external elixir. I half awoke from the state and more visions came. 10.50 p.m. Asana: my position (left leg under anus, right leg over left. Left hand on right ankle; right hand on right knee) till 11.10 p.m. I decided on a new regime of exercise and meditation practices.
Tuesday 5th September. 1.30 a.m. Chakras (using the new ‘external technique’) Transverse drawing-up. Breathing very well, better than ever, steady, deep and rhythmical. Tatwa: Prithivi (Earth: yellow square), projected outside the body and drawn into the Ajna. It grew in size. The robed adept made the sign of the enterer and passed through the yellow square. The vibration of God names and then followed uninterrupted visions – I gazed upon a map of a very Holy City with the main thoroughfares circling off from the form of a cross. I could see the layout of the Temples and the buildings all in white marble. Too numerous to describe in detail! One phrase which kept being repeated came to my ears, this was: ‘Return to Igusta’ (or ‘Igustas’). The vision ended at 3.00 a.m. 11.30 p.m. Asana till midday (30 minutes).
Wednesday 6th September. 1.00 a.m. Chakras (new: the astral is hovering over the physical body and placing the hands on the chakras as a channelling method to ‘flood’ the chakra centres with energy [light]). I transformed the ‘will symbol’ into the astral and entered the Temple. L.B.R. Invocation – sign of H.P.K. and rising on the planes in the astral body; Tatwa: Prithivi (Earth: yellow square) drawn into the Ajna. Breathing good. I expand the Tatwa and pass through in the astral body in the sign of the enterer. Vibration of God names. I stood on the threshold but I became very fatigued and overcome by a sudden overwhelming harmony – like looking at an object and noticing something much nicer and interesting from the corner of one’s eyes! Not distinct, but suddenly lost if the eyes are turned towards it directly! Very good! Thesis – anti-thesis – synthesis. I took an oath to abstain from magickal workings until the operation has come to pass – in the name of the Crowned and Conquering Child: So Mote It Be!
Sunday 10th September. I made the kabbalistic Cross, performed the Middle Pillar exercise and the LBR and reaffirmed my oath that I shall refrain from any further magickal work (unto Nu, and apart from certain exercises) until the SC’s (Secret Chiefs) have brought about that which I have willed and stop toying with me!
Tuesday 12th September. 1.10 a.m. Middle Pillar and four-fold breath. I woke in a strange state at 11.45 a.m. and felt this great force swell within me.
Wednesday 13th September. 2.00 a.m. Middle Pillar. Open the Temple in astral. Tatwa: Prithivi (Earth: yellow square) Very good. I did some planetary table notes. 11.25-11.40 p.m. Asana: My Position.
Thursday 14th September. 1.15 a.m. Middle Pillar. Open the Temple – Circumambulation, LBR and Kabbalistic Cross. In asana: Dharana on Prithivi Tatwa. Rise in the astral body and use mantra: A.M.P.H. with slow breathing. Sign of the enterer to pass into Tatwa (still in asana form). Deep and intense concentration followed and I felt the surging sea within my head, the great tide: Whooooooosh! It never left me! I vibrate the God names: Adonai-Ha-Aretz, Auriel, Phorlakh and I also used them in a mantra form. Almost complete success. My endeavours are showing positive results. I fell into the swoon of strange dreams with the sea still whoooooooshing in my Ajna! Woke at 7.00 a.m. and performed the LBR. The rest of the day and night was endless idiocy and debauchery, almost fighting with the person I love dearest in the world and having to call in sick at work. D____ and K_____ and I decided to go and ‘shout at the mountains’ in Wales!
Friday 15th September. I went to see ______ and he went uncontrollably mad last night after I parted from him and tried to cut his wrists (he’d already cut his chest with a sharp knife). He went to the doctors and I waited in the Library for him, reading ‘Nature of the Beast’ and ‘Joe Orton’s Diaries’.
Saturday 16th September. I did some notes on the tables of correspondences till 3.30 p.m. I hardly ate all day! What is this flame – the Middle Pillar? The solar ‘eucharistos’ etc has fired it into glories unknowable! But what is its use and how can it be channelled? I am the slave of Gods, I know not!
Sunday 17th September. Drained of enthusiasm, yet I did some notes on the Tatwa till 4 p.m.
Monday 18th September. 12.30 a.m. Notes on the nature of ceremonial conjuration (kliphotic) till 2.10 a.m. Middle Pillar and open the Temple with the intention of doing some Tatwa work, but too tired. I re-affirmed my oaths and obligations etc towards the G.W. (Great Work) and cut the + into Tiphereth [the heart, breast] at 3.20 p.m. this past week has been a magical desert and things must change now that the furniture of the mind is being organised into magical equilibrium. There is much to do! I spoke to Frater ______ and he will come to see me on 30th October. Later, more phenomena occur: some female stranger felt compelled to kiss me and she was extremely beautiful.
Tuesday 19th September. 12.30 a.m. Middle Pillar Exercise. Open temple but felt extremely fatigued in the Tatwa so I abandoned the exercise. I felt terribly congested, despite stopping smoking recently, but today, I took up once more the gentleman’s habit. I was so bored. ‘S’ back from Venice and will call me tomorrow. Phenomena again – another woman is compelled to force her lips on mine: where will it end?
Wednesday 20th September. 03.00 a.m. Middle Pillar Exercise. Open Temple. I felt ill on waking at 11.00 a.m. chest infection and no motivation, a feeling of being ‘between worlds’ all night. I think something terrible is inside me! My lungs are drawn to dark matter! At the hour of Kephra (midnight) an Invocation ceremony, skyclad. Circumambulation. Qabalistic Cross and open the Temple. L.B.R’s. I used an elaborate form of the _______:the inversion, the Holy of Holies. At the climax I read aloud the Qabalistic Prayer by E. Levi from his ‘magical Ritual of the Sanctum Regnum’ (translated by W. Wynn Westcott. Redway. 1896.) the Temple was closed at 12.40 a.m. after the banishings etc.
Thursday 21st September. 02.00 a.m. Charged with the light I performed the Middle Pillar Exercise. Opening of the Temple: Dharana on Prithivi Tatwa. I was too ill for any real revelations to occur. I declared that I was unafraid of death and even welcomed it, as brother unto brother! 12.20 a.m. I woke from a terrible night of hardly sleeping at all. Very congested and severe headache. The headache began to recede at 03.30 a.m. I made some notes on certain Talismans.
Friday 22nd September. Spoke to ‘S’ and said I will see him Monday 25th. Read some ‘Claudius the God’ by Graves. Sunny out and I feel like death. My mind is turned upon unwholesome things! Tried to sleep from 5-6.30 but no good.
Wednesday 27th September. I woke at 05.00 a.m. to find my astral body thrown from the bed and flung to the floor. I shouted for ______ and he saw my astral body frozen in some stupid position and he was angry with me.
Monday 2nd October. I woke three or four times in the morning because of a bad chest and I had the feeling that I was definitely not alone! I felt hands upon the bed and then they were upon me! I was being pulled from the bed, downwards. My spirit body was being forcibly removed from the bed by my legs! I could not stop it. I was pulled from the bed to the foot of the bed and onto the floor. I was unable to speak or shout. Some elemental spirit had broken through the veil. At first I could not see her, I only felt her presence, but I knew her to be young and lithe limbed, and she semi-appeared, translucent and she had large black almond-shaped eyes. It was the ‘Passion and the Prayer’* all over again! I managed to get one of her fingers into my mouth and I began to chew through it. This is when she became visible. It was so clear and lucid. Suddenly I thought ‘what if this isn’t reality and I’m chewing through my own finger?’ I did eventually regain consciousness. My hands were hot and under my chin – typical position for this sort of possession. I looked around for evidence of manifestation but I knew it as just another spiritual attack in a chain of many I have experienced. Have I incorrectly banished in the past? My soul has become a prey to some terrible influential being who either wants to dominate me or destroy me. Or is it a warning to return to the vows (or a warning not to) of adeptship? It is almost ‘Abramelin’ in its maliciousness!
Tuesday 3rd October. _____ phoned me today. She wants to stay at my place till she finds her own flat in London. It is strange, but she has become unconsciously part of my magical work. I knew what the result would be of her returning home, (depression and dissatisfaction) as if I was working on auto-pilot (as in the talismans I have been using). But this I think is more completely part of the way of the Tau – outer appearance: silent and still (calm); inner appearance: the whole universe is being moved to achieve the will! Over the next few days I arrange an interview for her (she got the job) and I put her up at my place for a week and helped her to find a place to live (which she did).
Friday 6th October. I met ______ at _____ station and took her for her interview. She stayed at my place and moved into her new flat on Sunday 22nd October. No magic of significant importance was conducted while _______ stayed with me.
Tuesday 24th October. I dreamt that I was being pursued through woods by a horned animal. I kept stumbling and trying to hide from it. It was like a beautiful white unicorn. Later in the dream, the unicorn became a pretty young maiden with a horn on her head. She was sad because everyone kept running away from her, so I took pity on her, and ran no more!
Friday 27th October. 04.30 a.m. Open the Temple. Prithivi Tatwa. Exhausted.
Saturday 28th October. A Magical Working: 5.20 p.m. I opened the Temple (lustration of instruments), circumambulation; Qabalistic Cross; lesser Banishing Rituals and Invoking Pentagram etc. Dharana on the work to be done. I used aspects of the war-like Mars for this working. Mars (Saturday). Archangel: Samael. Hour: Mathan. I made my obligations unto the Holy Names etc. I declared the intention of the working, (to cause change to occur in harmony with my will). And after the spoken rite (vibration of sound) the talismanic power was invoked [fire]. The talismanic magical link was released into the aethyr and ceremonially burnt. Then followed some moments of thought upon the work and I then gave the Licence to Depart, causing no harm to any being without or within my sphere etc. I closed the Temple with the Lesser Banishing Rituals. At the commencement of the rite, the heavens opened up and the rain fell hard and the vibrations hung dull and heavy in the air like incense [the stress upon the aethyr]. I felt the potent force of winter returning. I lay somewhere between the stars and the planets, awaiting the great eye’s opening. I saw creation and destruction as one and the change has been of enormous import (which is why I could not talk to ____ last night). I have once more wrought a fissure between the adept and humanity. But it is wrong for it is not the way of the ‘Fool’ to work apart from humanity; one must love and suffer the pains of humanity or be content to be a brother of the left hand path. At 7.50 p.m. I cut the Tau cross upon my breast to symbolise the Great Work manifested into flesh, the magical undertaking of the aspirant, and the culmination thereof, which has begun on this day – 28th of October in the Year of Horus XCVI.
Sunday 29th October. I prepared for the Great Working at 5.30 p.m. I drew the moon’s planetary Seals of Power. I purified the flesh (lustration). I consecrated the Instruments of Art and at the stroke of 6 p.m. the hour called Rana (Levanah), I opened the Temple with the usual rituals. With the Instruments of Art – a silver wrist band consecrated to the purpose of the work (silver for the moon); the moon symbolises change, love and the feminine principle (the downward triangle/ water). Archangel: Gabriel. The Hexagram. Colour: White. Cardinal Point: west. I thus invoked Gabriel and the appropriate forces for the work. As in last night’s work, I used the talisman (that contains life yet is dead). Invocation followed by a period of contemplation on the Planetary Seals, signs etc. Banishings and closing the Temple after the Licence to depart! I placed the seals into a small pouch which I will keep on my person.
Monday 30th October. At 7.40 p.m. I prepared the talismans (planetary symbols of Venus). The hour: Tafrac (8 p.m.). Venus (ruler) the circle and the cross. In Hebrew: Nogah. Archangel: Hanael. Intelligence: Hagiel. Spirit: Kedemel [Venus – love, beauty, harmony etc]. At 8 p.m. I cast the circle. Lustration (with the talismans outside the circle). I entered the circle and performed the Opening Ceremony with the Lesser Banishing Rituals etc. I lit the incense and performed the invocation. I passed the talismans three times through the incense smoke to charge them. And then a period of contemplation on the work to be done took place. After the Closing Ceremony I wrapped the talismans into the appropriate coloured material and placed them into a wallet. The circle was dismantled and how quickly the spirit moves! I was contacted at 9 p.m. by ____. in connection to the work, sounding strange and distant and sad. A meeting was arranged.
Tuesday 31st October. At 02.00 a.m. the Magical Link – the sacred ‘life-force’ of the talisman. The guard fell and my soul poured forth. I met ‘S’ later and we discussed the exhibited and we went to see about hiring gallery space.
Sunday 5th November. I felt strange and otherworldly, like being on some tremendous threshold. I don’t know what it is, but something within is growing strong and visual perception seems to have changed; the air is as thick as fog and full of luminous particles. My chest and shoulders are painful and I feel very tired!
Monday 6th November. I woke at 11.30 a.m. and noticed that my arms and chest are covered in a rash (that’s why I felt strange and light-headed all last night). I thought it may be meningitis. I went to the Hospital. I had a high temperature and it appears I have Rubella, a form of German measles. Glands are up on my neck etc. I need to get 3-5 days complete rest with paracetamol. Diagnosis: rash and mild fever today. O/E. Rubella form rash and occipital LN enlargement. Probable Rubella. I prepared to sit it out! I made some experiments in pendulum dowsing using a pendant with an image of the Virgin Mary (in gold) attached to a 10 inch length of cord, held 1 inch above a piece of paper, giving ‘yes’ (clockwise) and ‘no’ (anti-clockwise) answers to questions [these have been omitted].
Tuesday 7th November. My body is completely covered in the rash now. My thoughts turn to mortality. I am awful to behold, thank the Lord no one has to but the adept! I began coughing blood. Frater ______ contacted me at 6.30 p.m., a friend of his shot herself – quite dead! _____ also called and was concerned about me.
Monday 13th November. It has been a strange night, as if the spirit has descended upon me – there is peace, utter peace and no words can describe it. Nothing can be said, it is an everlasting well of man’s despair and joy in one. Like walking into a tomb or the chamber of some pyramid or Holy shrine; or standing upon a battlefield and feeling the great human loss. Love and be loved, unconditionally – pure and divine – and only by God – though which God or Gods, I know not. A prayer ignored! I have done all I can do in winding down, there are things to complete before the unknown!
Tuesday 14th November. 02.00 a.m. completed a minor magical work. An important insight: If you want something very badly, pretend it does not exist!
Thursday 16th November. I met ‘S’ and I told him that I’ve lost interest in putting on this damn exhibition (paintings and photographs). I laid my soul bare before the poor fellow and he tried to win me over with ‘life, beautiful life’ but I suppressed it with ‘death, glorious death’. We hugged and parted on friendly terms though I fear for the last time!
Sunday 19th November. 11.35 p.m – I destroyed the Moon and Venus talismans and they are released from their obligations.
Thursday 23rd November. A beautiful woman couldn’t take her eyes off me all night and it was like meeting someone from the past whom I knew before in a previous life.
Monday 27th November. I had a revelationary dream last night (this morn): I was in a crowd of people and suddenly it struck me – I boomed down the street with a primeval yell, tugging at my jacket lapels like some Dickensian ‘Artful Dodger’. I was free! Nothing really matters, I played with people as if they were toy dolls for manipulating – everyone is everyone, yet I am the only me! It is catastrophic and it left me in a strange spiritual spell all morning!
Tuesday 28th November. I realised why the rituals failed – I have been channelling every ounce of magical energy into other distractions, namely writing.
Friday 1st December. Vision: objects, lucid and could be sustained mentally. I felt an electrical charge in my head, below the right ear (this is typical of an astral attack) which then travelled to the top of my head and down the spine where it entered my left kidney, and the pain was immense. I had automatically touched my right ear and it was completely numb. Suddenly, my body and the bed sheets are plucked from the bed and thrown to the corner of the room, to the ceiling – what devil is this that comes to me in this state to cause astral harm? I never slept all night!
Saturday 23rd December. 04.30 a.m. I formulated the Kabalistic Cross, using the astral in the form of the enterer. Success! [In vision of 4.30 a.m. this morning: I made a small geomantic/demonic sigil out of some material, very small and intricate. On being asked I said it should be made from bread (dough, probably Eucharistic in nature), it resembled a small segment from a paper doily.
Sunday 24th December. 02.00 a.m. I formulated the Kabalistic cross and opened the T. in the astral.
Monday 25th December. 04.30 a.m. I formulated the Kabalistic cross and entered in the astral but I was too tired to make much progress!
Lux Mirabilis – an exercise in which one visualises the body slowly enveloped in coils of ketheric light, like a mummy in its wrappings.
Each Sephira on the Tree of Life is related to a different time scale:
Geburah – Human lifetime.
Chokmah – The lifetime of our planet. Tiphareth – Time’s essence (absolute time).
Binah – (associated with Saturn) the Greek Chronos. Governs relative (Yesodic) time sequence of our daily lives.
Thoth, the Ibis-headed God is the measurer of time.
Thursday 18th January 2001 e.v. 04.00 a.m. Dream: (dream within a dream) – in dream a) I dreamt I was asleep, in dream b) dreaming of something terrible. I shouted out ‘Wake up! Wake up!’ and I woke from dream b) into dream a), where I suddenly yelled out and awoke in reality. Perhaps there are multi-layers to consciousness and reality is not a starting point but a mid point in the scale (perhaps there is also an overlapping?):
Death, womb and birth (un-dream b)
?
Un-dream a and un-sleep
Pre-consciousness.
Reality
Consciousness
Sleep: dream a and dream b
Un-consciousness
Death, tomb and birth (re-birth)
?
Thursday 25th January. 03.00 a.m. I was a young boy and I lay in bed. ____ in the room too. I was afraid of a female entity. With my eyes closed, I appeared in another part of the room (like astral travelling). As I tried to establish where I was, I found myself sitting on the floor, with the bed to my left. I sensed the female presence in my bed and she spoke. I flew into a frightened rage, then [this being dream a)] I entered into dream b) where I was shaken violently by _____ asking why I shouted out and awoke. Her face was red and contorted. I screamed ‘Wake up! Wake up!’ and I left dream b) and entered reality screaming. [I have acquired a good technique for escaping these night terrors by a signal to ‘Wake up!’ which is easy to control in these multi-layered dreams].
Friday 26th January. I feel the black devil creeping upon me once more [666].
Sunday 28th January. In bed, my astral was outside of my body and would not return! My feet (were they my feet?) seemed incomprehensible. I tried using a mantra which was quite effective. I did not want to be loose; it automatically happened and continued into sleep.
Monday 29th January. My astral became lost in ecstasy at 06.00 a.m. and thus it was thrown into vision – city after city – cities of the past and of the future. People I had never seen in this life. It was easy to control, like viewing the scene from a hovering position; I could guide my vision with accurate precision, and select details etc, no matter what the distance was. There were office towers of the future (Babel/garden of Babylon). Large windows that can control the light and black coloured plastic material were used inside for furnishing, e.g. lamps. View screens which rose from the floor on stalks! I saw the whole universe as if it was in a single acorn and it was immense! Time evaporated! Yet I was Proustian, and could not escape it!
Tuesday 6th February. Slight uncontrollable floating of the astral at 03.00 a.m.
Tuesday 13th February. I must transform once again, the only way I know how – by dark means!
Tuesday 6th March. What use has been all this Magic?
Wednesday 7th March. My brain was dead with images of nothing. No future, no present, only the past!
Friday 9th March. I got ‘Do what thou wilt – A Life of Aleister Crowley’ by Lawrence Sutin from the library. It seemed to draw me to it! The sign has appeared for my new direction!
Saturday 10th March. 01.00 a.m. Asana: legs crossed, hands making the sign for ‘water’ (over solar plexus to form the downward triangle). Mantra: A.M.P.H. [Aum mani padme hum]. Formulate R.C. [Rose Cross] in Ajna. Success in discarding thoughts as they arrive! I became aware that my body seemed to be glowing when asana intensified, and that breathing was forgotten completely, and on remembering – did I breathe: have I inhaled/exhaled? It became a little jerky, probably due to the presence of food in my stomach. But a good start! I shall interpret all foreseeable phenomena as manifestations purely relative to myself! I began to feel ill. An immense pain in my head and felt awful all night!
Sunday 11th March. I woke early (06.00 a.m.) and was compelled to write, in a single sitting straight through, the following poem:
The World’s Light
Who, at the ragged mountains weep
When the earth turns in to sleep?
With nought for all inside my breast:
I have wondered at you, east and west!
And a vision of the stones will tell
Which way Heaven, which way Hell;
But love in death is long and deep
With nought to keep me from its sleep!
Still, some will turn their heads in shame
At the utterance of its name!
But I have kept the secret dear:
I know no shame and fear no fear!
And its touch was gentle long ago
Till many seasons changed it so.
And I found that only pain can give
Life to death that love shall live!
This morning at 08.30 a.m. – Mantra: A.M.P.H. Dharana on R.C. Its colours were brilliant and vibrant against a pale sky. I felt myself grow distant from it and I appeared to be in a long and dark corridor. Suddenly, I heard the voice of a small boy, cry out into the darkness – ‘You little thief!’ on which I returned to reality.
Note: On Saturday 10th March I made a magical ring from a single strip of platinum, which I consecrated and dedicated to Nuit. The ring was worn on the little finger of the right hand on Sunday 11th March.
A magical operation beginning Sunday 11th March
And ending Monday 12th March 2001 e.v.
Because of the nature of this operation I shall remain silent [thus was born the sins of the Christian Church]. Yet it did prove beyond all possible doubt the existence of powers and intelligences which are not a part of me. Upon request the master was merciful and gave water to the chela who had the thirst of the world upon him, and upon the chalice which contained the water of life, were depictions of the ancient Gods of Khem. The young adept spoke their names aloud and upon realising the significance of the sign, as if to confirm in the heart of the young neophyte the reward of Nu, the heavens burst forth with a single thunder clap which echoed in the soul of the young warrior upon the path of the wise.
Tuesday 13th March. 12.30 a.m. R.C. in Ajna with mantra: A.M.P.H. Began well and experienced the true meaning of R.C. symbolically, but became difficult to continue due to outside distractions. Friday 16th March. 12.15 a.m. mantra: A.M.P.H. tatwa: Prithivi (water). Invoke the God names and entered in the sign of Horus (the enterer). Tatwa vibrant in the mist beyond the portal. Partial success! I came upon the triple formula of ASNIA – LASNIAL [ASNIA framed within 31 – LA and AL of Liber Legis].
ASNIA LASNIAL AShNIA LAShNIAL
a)1 60 50/10 1 c) 30 1 60 50 10 30 362 422
b) 700 d) 700 3+6+2=11
.........................................
a) 122. (see earlier record of this number) 1+2+2= 5 (Pent) 1+2X2= 6 (Hex) 5+6=11 122 V’’’=11.0453610171 [Sunday 18th March 2001 e.v.]
b) 822. 82 divided by 2=42 (4+1=5) Pent. 8 divided by 2 =4 (+2) = 6 hex. 5+6=11. 8X22= 176 (17-6=11).
c) 182. 1X8X2=16 (6-1=5) Pent. 1X8-2=6 Hex. 5+6=11. 1+8+2=11.
d) 882. 8+8-2=14 (1+4=5) Pent. 8+8X2=32 (3X2=6) Hex. 5+6=11. 88X2=176 (17-6=11).
Also:
b) 8X22=176 =17-6=11
d) 88X2=176 =17-6=11
Saturday 17th March. 02.00 a.m. Open T. [Temple]. Kabbalistic Cross. L.B.R’s (pent and hex). Tatwa: Prithivi. Very good transference of consciousness, but I somehow lost direction in the work.
Monday 19th March. 01.00 a.m. Open T. I held it wonderful and vivid. Mantra: A.M.P.H. – I spoke the invocation through the mantra, clearly, as if both were running parallel: one automatic like breathing [a) mantra] and the other willed and concentrated [b) invocation]. Quite a new breakthrough!
b) __________________________________________________
a) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday 20th March. 12.15 a.m. Open T. Mantra: A.M.P.H. Good visualisation again! Destruction:
Only the necessary shall remain to one far superior than I!
Wednesday 21st March. 01.00 a.m. Open T. Mantra: A.M.P.H. Tatwa: Prithivi (in Ajna). I expel it using the sign of the enterer (Horus) and begin the invocation. Good, though not excellent.
Thursday 22nd March. 01.00 a.m. Open T. Very good. Tatwa: Prithivi. Invocation. Almost a complete breakthrough! Loss of consciousness. In terrible pain later that day which did not ease until 9.30 p.m.
Friday 23rd March. I have found I have been making a terrible error in my invocations! (during Prithivi Tatwa). I must rectify this immediately. It is related to the Divine Names! 12.30 a.m. Open T. Kabbalistic Cross. L.B.R’s. Prithivi Tatwa. In asana. Too many outside distractions!
Saturday 24th march. 02.00 a.m. Tatwa: Prithivi. On the threshold of a breakthrough! Too many outside distractions! Yet again! Visualisation of a very high standard. But getting beyond proved difficult.
Sunday 25th March. 02.20 a.m. (BST) Open T. Prithivi Tatwa. Quite good but I intend doing a new direction with it. At 04.30 a.m. I returned to consciousness after hearing something heavy fall and crash behind me onto the floor – but there is nothing behind me except for the wall next to the bed! It was such a loud noise that it thundered like the slamming of a door in Hell! Was it the Nada? I rose and smoked. Later, I had a dream about a violet ball of light whose touch means certain death! I was running away from it. On waking, I felt a tremendous surge of energy/force within me. As if some sort of transformation had occurred. It is with me now!
Monday 26th March. 01.30 a.m. Open T. Asana: Left leg under anus. Tatwa: Prithivi. Invocation. Excellent transference of the Tatwa from Ajna, and passing in the ‘enterer’. Rising on the planes good and almost across the threshold!
Tuesday 27th March. 01.00 a.m. Open T. Prithivi Tatwa. Mantra: A.M.P.H. The transfer of the Tatwa I have found that it works better when it is just outside one’s direct vision (in the peripheral vision) which induces a feeling of separateness, especially with the Tatwa in contrasting colours, e.g. Square – not yellow but its complementary colour: mauve. Invocation of God Names which I also used as a mantra, once through in the ‘enterer’. Almost got a scent of it!
The Vision of Hands
Friday 30th March. 12.50 a.m. I decided against the Prithivi Tatwa and did the Tejas Tatwa (air). Asana: body fully stretched horizontal, hands (palms down) beneath anus. Mantra: A.M.P.H. Focused on the Tejas in Ajna and transposed it outwards in its complementary colour (turquoise-mauve). I entered in the sign of Horus – the Darkness of the Veil. I vibrate the God Names: Yhuh Tzabaoth, Michael, Aral. I also kept the image of the Tatwa below the line of my direct vision (peripheral) while I repeated the mantra which gave an automatic feeling of euphoria. I transferred the Tatwa to Tiphereth (heart) and I became conscious that my spiritual body or astral had moved forwards out from my physical body, into a sitting position. I tried again with the Tatwa in Ajna and the astral body resumed its horizontal position to emerge with my physical body. I transferred the Tatwa once again to Tiphereth and again the astral sat up automatically. I repeated the God Names as a new mantra for fifteen or twenty minutes I guess. When the mantra was repeated quickly, I found myself in the astral body wearing the robe of a neophyte with my hands making the sign of air. I rose higher and higher and looked down upon my physical body and felt immense disgust for it at ever having been imprisoned in such a thing. It became abhorrent to me and to be restricted within it seemed incomprehensible. I could not return even if I wanted to which I did not! My astral soared thirty or forty metres above the earth still repeating the mantra and still wearing the robe of the neophyte. Eventually I found myself at a temple, inside near the entrance. There was a congregation who were about to begin some sort of worship. A loud bell rang as someone wished to gain entrance to the temple. The Priest was on his way to the door to let whoever it was in and as he passed me I heard him say, gleefully: ‘Now we’ll raise Typhon!’ He then signalled to a junior to take over the proceedings, in his absence. I walked to the front of the congregation, down the aisle, facing the lectern (or altar), where the junior Priest stood. I felt terribly strong and invisible! Just then, as I was preparing to fill my lungs and burst into ‘Yhuh Tzabaoth, Michael, Aral’ the junior began some different chant, which seemed to offend me in its ‘Catholic’ nature. I turned to the first man I saw sitting in the congregation, of dark skin (they were all seated like some hidden school of initiates) and I quietly said to him: ‘Are you with us?’ he said ‘Yes’ and shook my hand. He introduced me to many there and all shook my hand joyously. Then it became dark (I assume that whoever was outside had now entered with the Priest). Someone grabbed my hand and lead me to a beautiful foreign Lady with large dark eyes and vibrant red lips. My hand was suddenly thrust into her hand and we said something and laughed. As I moved on, I felt a great force from behind me, as if a pair of hands had grabbed me forcibly by the head and were pulling me with my feet in the air as if floating. It was ecstatic and immensely celebratory. The feeling was almost Samadhic, if one could comprehend such things. Then I was face to face with the beautiful dark-eyed Lady once more. We danced, a peculiar dance, my left hand on her shoulder and my right hand in her outstretched hand. She said ‘You Tango very well’ – I replied that I had never done it before and she seemed surprised. After it ended I walked towards a glass cabinet and I admired the miniature ceramic houses inside, like gnomic cottages, many hundreds of them. I sat down, back to the wall. I made some silly disturbance and had to apologise to the congregation (who were all seated). I noticed now that I was no longer wearing my neophyte robe, but ordinary clothing. We listened to someone speak and I felt ashamed because I had not shaved, but looking round, I saw that none of the men had shaved also! I returned to consciousness at 02.20 a.m. and thus ended the Vision of Hands. [see tarot IX Hermit, also note Kaph=Hand=Yod etc – Isis/Virgo and Tejas=Fire the upward pointing triangle].
I felt terribly exhilarated and made notes, then I immediately resumed my mantra: Yhuh tzabaoth, Michael, Aral’ but nothing more occurred.
Monday 2nd April. 12.30 a.m. open T. In a seated asana. Tatwa: Tejas. Tejas in Tiphereth. I automatically rose into the air again and looked upon the physical body. It became spontaneous, even quite easy to do (it seemed). Mantra (vibrating of God Names) as before: 45 minutes to 1 hour. Very difficult and tiring! There was no sleep!
03.30 a.m. I was aware that some ‘dog-like’ animal was in my arms and trying to get at my face. Then my astral body returned to the physical body to find that I was in bed, being pulled from the bed by some magnificent ‘outer’ force! I recognised it at once (these nightly attacks have occurred many time before) as the old demon who still trails me. It almost succeeded, but I yelled out very loud ‘Stop it!’ and having power once again in my muscles I foiled the demon! I got about three hours sleep afterwards.
Tuesday 3rd April. 12.45 a.m. Open T. (very good). Tejas in Ajna, then in Tiphereth. Automatic rising in my astral body. Mantra: Yhuh Tzabaoth, Michael, Aral. Making the sign of Fire after entering in the sign of Horus. Instead of the usual ‘taking the astral to the Temple’ I placed the Temple about the astral by the force of my will upon the earth plane! A few breaks in this due to tiredness, but quite good.
Thursday 5th April. 12.50 a.m. Open T. Tatwa: Tejas. Invoke God Names. Some good astral displacement but no real results to record.
Friday 6th April. 12.45 a.m. Open T. Tatwa: Tejas. My mind is too distracted for serious work!
Saturday 7th April. 12.30 a.m. Open T. Tejas – Not Good!
Sunday 8th April – The Holy Day of the writing of the Book of the Law! 01.00 a.m. Open T. Tejas. Began well but could not get past the damn veil!
ΑΓΙΟΣ
Liber Legis – chapter one. The Reading. Phenomena occurs. 9.30 p.m. I renewed my oath cutting the + into the flesh [Tiphereth: the breast/heart] to symbolise the Great Work. At midnight I opened the T. Tatwa: Akasa (spirit). Began well. Vibration of Names: Eheieh, Agla, Yeheshuah, but too fatigued for serious work!
Monday 9th April. Holy Day. Reading of Liber Legis chapter two. Midnight. Tatwa: Akasa – useless – I am so tired!
Tuesday 10th April. Holy Day. Reading of Liber legis chapter three.
Wednesday 11th April. 12.45 a.m. Tatwa: Vayu (Air). Invocation: Shaddai El Chai, Raphael,Chassan. Very disappointing. I seem to have lost the initial impetus. Hard to concentrate. Onwards!
Thursday 12th April. 12.40 a.m. Open T. Tatwa: Vayu. Invocation. Nothing to speak of!
Friday 13th April. 01.25 a.m. Open T. Tatwa: Apas (Water). Good. God Names: Elohim Tzabaoth, Gabriel, Taliahad. Vibrated the Names into sleep. After entering in the sign of Horus there was an automatic rising of the astral body. I returned to consciousness at 06.11 a.m. and resumed the mantra (God Names). The visions were all of a watery nature – I saw a fortune beneath water (gold and gem stones) but I did not take it at first. I went back for it but it was gone. I also received encouragement for the ‘destruction’ – a new force to do thy will: destruction!
Saturday 14th April. 01.00 a.m. Open T. Tatwa: Prithivi. Spontaneous rising. I met Frater ____ at the Atlantis Bookshop. We talked about Gerald Gardner and Gerald Suster; also K. Grant, D. Fortune, Mathers and the Golden Dawn; the Watch Towers etc. I realised my vision of Hands of the 30th March concerns an Adept Master I have been in contact with.
Sunday 15th April. A little after midnight. Open T. Tatwa: Prithivi. Vibration of God Names into sleep. Consciousness regained at 04.30 a.m. when I resumed the invocation. Phenomena.
Monday 16th April 01.00 a.m. Open T. Tatwa: Prithiva. Minor success but I have exhausted it for now. Tatwa in Kether [ above the head, the crown], quite successful. Good visualisation.
Wednesday 18th April. 12.45 a.m. Open T. Tatwa: Vayu (Air). Audible invocation as before: A strange tall man (about eleven feet tall) wearing an elegant robe that seemed to flare out at the feet like a dress, appeared to me. He seemed to be cast in bronze; he was of a dull gold in colour (his flesh and his dress). Words were exchanged but nothing that seemed of great importance to me. Later, a Master spoke to me (Secret Chief) in respect of the ‘destruction’. I held my ‘____’ in my hands and he was ordering me to destroy it! I had great doubts and could not do it!
Thursday 19th April. 12.30 a.m. Tatwa: Vayu. Tree of Life. I went through the signs of the grades and their importance upon the Tree etc.
Friday 20th April. 12.30 a.m. Open T. Asana: Osiris Risen (from LVX). Tatwa: Vayu. In the sign of the Enterer (Horus) with breathing calm and steady, deep and full. 15-20 minutes in I felt I was holding something between my thumb and forefinger of the right hand which was crossed upon my breast (Osiris Risen). I had to check that nothing was in my hand! But the feeling was distinct and it continued, almost as if a disembodied hand had gripped my own. Invoke God Names. Good but I was too conscious of my own breathing. I examined the Tree of Life in this state. 05.30 a.m. consciousness returned and I resumed the mantra. 12.40 p.m. Formulate Pentagram and invoke Fire in cardinal. Some ‘Probationary’ notes on Magick.
Saturday 21st April. 12.30 a.m. Open T. Hands on Yesod. Invoke Earth Pentagram. Vibration of the Holy Names. Pentagram in Ajna, then forcibly thrust outwards. Vibrate Names slowly, breathing good. Kundalini force, like a thunderbolt, travelled up the Sushumna from Mulhadara to Kether (base of the spine to the head), like a mighty wave and all was bathed in soft blue light that had an electric quality (LVX).Then the force travelled back along Sushumna and down the legs to Malkuth. My legs trembled as if an electric current had passed down them. Then my body, which seemed to be floating in blue energy, practically disintegrated from my legs upwards – existence, time etc were unperceivable to me! Many waves travelled up and down in this way – the slow mantra of the Holy vibrations is the key! This was a great revelation and it ended at 03.30 a.m.
Monday 23rd April. Unstoppable fabric visions – confronted by Choronzon! Myself, deformed and demonic! I tried to strangle myself (doppelganger) and I was so afraid. I had to say to myself: ‘I love you! I love you!’ as a mantra. I woke but it was a long time before ‘he’ went away. Then ‘he’ became the ‘me’ I know, how others see me, and I was quite pleased – there was no longer any fear! But the struggle with my ‘self’ seemed endless!
Tuesday 24th April. 12.30 a.m. Open T. Invocation of Earth pentagram. Difficult as my mind was too active.
Wednesday 25th April. I was contacted by the Scarlet Woman: Soror Lylan.
Friday 27th April. The Book of Thoth.
Saturday 28th April. 12.30 a.m. Open T. Invocation of Fire pentagram [Yhuh Tzabaoth, Michael, Aral]. I saw the Hierophant seated at his throne; all very misty, a murky gold colour. About him were smaller figures, difficult to see, but Egyptian in aspect. [next day Sunday 29th I remembered I had invoked incorrectly, I invoked the Fire pentagram with an invocation of Air so I had actually invoked Air of Fire. I checked the correspondences: Hierophant V of the Tarot, vau, 6, Tiphereth, Trial and ordeal, Taurus, sign of Air! It represents the Aeon of Horus!]
Tuesday 1st May. 12.30 a.m. open T. Invocation of Fire. The flaming pentagram.
Wednesday 2nd May. 12.45 a.m. Open T. Breathing good. Invocation of Spirit active pentagram. Invoke the Goddess of the Stars [Nuit]. A golden pentagram in the azure blue sky. Rising on the planes with swift disembodiment. Then suddenly I threw my mantra to the wind: ‘Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. Love is the law, love under will’. I began using the symbol [Tatwa] of Spirit in the centre of an active pentagram. Partial success! Vibration=automatic rising and piercing of the veil which I was unable to sustain.
Thursday 3rd May. 02.30 a.m. Invocation of Spirit active pentagram with ‘Do what thou wilt’ as a mantra. Close again! This is the hour of the dying God, though no earthly hour!
Friday 4th May. 02.10 a.m. Open T. Invocation of Fire and Spirit pentagrams with ‘Do what thou wilt’ as a mantra.
Monday 7th May. 01.20 a.m. Open T. Invoke Fire pentagram. Quite good, but too tired for any real success!
Wednesday 9th May. 12.45 a.m. Open T. Invoke Fire pentagram. Used the Tatwa, also. I began well but was overcome by sleep.
Thursday 10th May. 12.30 a.m. Open T. Invocation of Fire pentagram. Sign of the enterer [Horus]. Vibration of Holy Names and Fire Tatwa. A good rising on the planes. Beyond the veil was a golden Hexagram relative to Fire [see the Hexagram Ritual with the two interlocking downward facing triangles]. I was standing in the South, the cardinal point of Fire. About the Hexagram were names or correspondences which I was unable to make out. It was like a representation of a part of the Tarot on the Tree of Life – Chokhmah, Geburah, Netzach. It was thundering and lightning. Later, I was seduced by the ‘faceless Nuit’ her flesh was voluptuous and soft. Later still, I was in the dark and I saw strange white fragments on the carpet, like snowflake crystals. I got up and tried to disperse them, but they only vanished to re-appear. _____ also in this room. I became fearful and told him I’ve been seeing strange things all day. He became afraid and said: ‘this is what’s sucking the night from the room!’ He didn’t have to say anymore, I knew what he meant – Abramelin! I resumed consciousness at 04.00 a.m. and continued with my mantra. [Various Fabric visions followed].
Saturday 12th May. 01.15 a.m. open T. Invocation of Fire pentagram. Strong. I used the Middle Pillar Exercise. I found myself in a landscape, lush and green, formal but a little wild. Vibrant blue sky. I could move and determine my actions completely. 6.10 p.m. Asana: left leg under anus, right over left leg. I could have done an hour quite easily or more, but ended at 6.40 p.m. 6.50 p.m. Asana: Right leg over left. I ended asana at 7.30 p.m.
Sunday 13th May. 01.30 a.m. Open T. Holy Names, breathing good. Invocation of Fire pentagram. I used the Fire Tatwa also. It burst before me, into a brilliant white pyramid under the starlit sky. I was walking up the pyramid with the Fire Tatwa in my Ajna, my eyes raised to the apex. Posture: sign of Fire. It became difficult to sustain. Mantra good and vibration of Holy Names. 03.30 a.m. I continued with the mantra A.M.P.H. using the Fire Tatwa. I invoked again and used the Fire pentagram. A dark landscape appeared, iron roots like black sooty chimneys [I had also used Adonai Ha-Aretz as a mantra]. Very earthy and definitely below. I got very close and instead of making the Fire [triangle] the main focus, I put it to one side, as if it wasn’t important, objectively, but important subjectively. No sleep!
Monday 14th May. Terrible! Complete collapse of my body! Severe dehydration! Early morning, unending vision, it was unstoppable, not unlike Crowley’s ‘Star Sponge’ vision, brilliant white specks upon the veil, as if they were a part of God! Nuit manifested around Hadit!
Tuesday 15th May. 12.45 a.m. Open T. Invocation of Fire pentagram after the Middle Pillar Exercise. Still very close.
Wednesday 16th May. I woke at 03.00 a.m. to find a large butterfly, the size of a pigeon scrambling about in the darkness of my room, by the window. Of course it was not real, but I still got up and looked for it! I made notes upon a ritual from 3-7 p.m. – A Talismanic working. I prepared a Talisman and dedicated it to Venus – Hagiel, Kedemel, with Planetary seal etc and the Magical Square... I used the ______ Tarot card for my Talisman.
THE KEDEMEL WORKING
At 10.00 p.m. I prepared the circle and placed the implements needed within the circle: candle, incense, talisman, the magical link. Without the circle was drawn the Triangle of Art with the Names of Power.
I. Standing outside the circle. 10.35 p.m. The Talisman and the Magick Square. ‘May all the devils flee and particularly those that are inimicable to this operation. When I enter herein, I call with humility that God the Almighty entering this circle, will cast down divine pleasure and prosperity, joy, charity and greeting. May the Angels of Peace defend this circle, and may discord be banished from it. Help and magnify me, O Lord, thy most Holy Name, bless my meeting and my speech. O Lord our God, bless my entry into this circle, for thou art blessed, for ever and ever, Amen’.
II. Entering the circle. A general consecration: ‘May all that is within this circle be protected and consecrated by the Power of the Pentagram and the Hexagram and the Holy Names hereby invoked’.
III. The Opening Ceremony. Perform the rituals of the Pentagram and the Hexagram. Circumambulation seven times [7 for Venus]. Make the sign of the enterer [Horus] on passing the East. The Kabbalistic Cross. With hands folded, give the blessing of Kamea: ‘Blessed art thou O Lord, who hast sanctified thy great name and hast revealed it to thy pious ones to show its power and might in the language, in the workings of it, and in the utterance of the mouth:
'
Yod He Vau He'.
IV. The Sphere of Netzach. Light the candle and the incense with the words: ‘I offer thee this incense as the purest which I have been able to obtain. O great Adonai, Elohim, Ariel, Jehovam, deign to receive it as an acceptable sacrifice. O great Adonai, be favourable to me in thy power, and grant success to this work. Amen’.
V. The Confession.
[X] (knock)
‘Nescio quis sim
Nescio unde veniam
Nescio quo eam Quaero
Sed quid nescio’. (repeat three times)
[X]
VI. (a) The Invocation. * This was completed by speaking the name ‘Kedemel’ seven times. The incense. The talisman is passed through the incense smoke three times, with the words of consecration: ‘Accedat in nobis Therion ignem sui amoris et flammam aeternae caritatis’ – (‘I am uplifted in thine heart, and the kisses of the stars rain hard upon thy body’).
[X]
+
The Cross is manifested into the flesh
VI. (b) Conjuration. ‘Kedemel, I call upon your blessed presence, in the name of Yehovah Tzabaoth, Hanael, the Grace of God, Hagiel, and in the name of the Name of the most Holy, Adonai, to consecrate this talisman, and indwell it with your powers to attract that which I desire. May its effects be speedy and successful, for there is no law beyond love is the law, love under will. In the name of the most high, Adonai, Amen’.
Make the sign upon the talisman
[XXX X XXX]
[To constrain, which was used on this occasion: ‘Mea artis, non immemor Et nomen Dei lente loquor Yod He Vau He, Tzabaoth’.] – Kedemel was present in camel form.
VII. The Magical Link. And a period of concentration upon the task which is to be performed.
VIII. The Licence to Depart. The discharge of the force: ‘Effusus labor, Defuncta vita. Fiat nunc voluntas mea’.
IX. The Closing Ceremony. Perform the banishing rituals of the Pentagram and the Hexagram. The reverse circumambulation with the sign of the enterer [Horus] in the East seven times.
X. The End of the Working. At 11.10 p.m. The Talisman was placed into a red pouch and the circle and the Triangle of Art were destroyed.
*Conjuration: ‘I invoke and conjure Thee, O spirit Kedemel’ etc. See also VI (b) further conjuration.
Thursday 17th May. 12.30 a.m. Open T. Invoke Fire Pentagram. The signs were good.
Saturday 19th May. 01.30 a.m. Invoke Fire Pentagram with the Tatwa.
Monday 21st May. 01.00 a.m. Open T. Invoke Earth Pentagram with Tatwa. I used ‘Abrahadabra’ as a vibrational mantra. The Enterer. Invoke the Names of Power for Earth. The Hierophant again!
Wednesday 23rd May. 10.15 a.m. 8.50 p.m. Asana, my position. A red triangle on a white background (actual). I recite the ‘Hymn to Pan’. Good results. The colour became an electric glowing violet. I vibrated the names of Fire. Duration of asana: 15 minutes. Midnight: Open T. Invoke Fire Pentagram and I saw myself as a Priestess of ancient Egypt in some sort of ceremony in which I was reluctant to participate.
Friday 25th May. Success in the Kedemel working!
Saturday 26th May. 02.40 a.m. Open T. Invoke Earth Pentagram with Tatwa. Unwanted images.
Sunday 27th May. 12.45 a.m. Invoke Fire Pentagram. Mind too active and I am still in some pain. Monday 28th May. 01.15 a.m. Open T. ‘Do what thou wilt’ etc as a mantra then changed to A.M.P.H. – Nuit! Cabala: Greek and Hebrew for most of the day till 8.00 p.m.
Tuesday 29th May. 5.09 p.m. Asana: legs crossed. End at 5.49 p.m. 9.00 p.m. Asana: the Dragon [kneeling, hands on thighs]. Acute pain and ended at 9.20 p.m.
Wednesday 30th May. 01.00 a.m. Open T. Invoke Fire Pentagram. Middle Pillar. Vibrate Names. A good visual pentagram and rising. Meaningless voices, consumed by sleep. 06.00 a.m. The beginning of the Adorations [see Liber Resh vel Helios in Magick] Morning: Ra, in the sign of my grade. Midday: Ahathoor. Sunset: Tum. Midnight: Kephra.
Thursday 31st May. Open T. Invoke Earth Pentagram. I heard these words spoken: ‘The Fool knows many things, but the Hermit knows but one thing’. [compare with Isiah Berlin’s ‘Hedgehog and the Fox’]. Tatwa very vivid. 06.00 a.m. Adoration. Midday. Sunset and Midnight. [The Adorations continue daily without fail so I will not waste space in recording the fact].
Friday 1st June. 01.15 a.m. R.C. in Ajna after Opening the T. Mantra: A.M.P.H. Quite good – duality.
Saturday 2nd June. LAShNAL=30+1+300+50+6+1+30= 418 AZNIA=1+7+50+10+1= 69 [period of O=O days for _____.] LAZDNIA=30+1+7+4+50+10+1= 93 ASDNIAH=1+60+4+50+10+1+5= 131 [Pan]
Sunday 3rd June. 01.15 a.m. Performed The Star Ruby Ritual (no other work). A little before midnight performed The Star Ruby and the Lesser Hexagram Ritual.
Tuesday 5th June. 02.00 a.m. Open T. Lesser Hexagram Ritual. Astral rising. Very good and strong. I used my old formula of ‘I breathe in, I breathe out; you breathe in, you breathe out; we breathe in, we breathe out!’ 12.35 p.m.
The Eucharist of One: Take four elements= 4-4+ 0. Now, this nought must be something, i.e. a unity, a whole, thus it equals one element (substance). A physical waste product. There is a Tetragrammaton which is formed – I.A.O. (or Y.H.V.H.) etc, which is infinite (a circle of life, death and rebirth – or resurrection). Crowley says that he reveals it plainly within his works.
Wednesday 6th June. 01.00 a.m. Open T. Pentagram and Hexagram. Rising good. Mantra: Abrahadabra also good.
Thursday 7th June. 01.00 a.m. Invoke Spirit. L.B.R. Pentagram and Hexagram= Duality, my astral body was working independent of me. Mantra: Abrahadabra.
Friday 8th June. 12.45 a.m. Invoke Spirit. Rising and Mantra: ‘Do what thou wilt’ etc.
Saturday 9th June. Further notes on ASNIA –
ASNIA= 122
2X61= 122 (61= AIN= Nothing or Zero)
0=2 the Magical Doctrine of Thelema [zero equals two]
122-11(the number of Magical expansion) = 111
111= Aleph in full [ALP= 1+30+80] signifies the Holy Trinity: Nuit, Hadit, Ra-Hoor-Khuit
(or Heru-Ra-Ha more precisely to include H.P.K.)
111 is also AUM (AMOUN) and a number of the sun, in full 666 (sun=6)
6X111=666. 111 is also the root sound of OMNE – [Greek: Pan]
0=Mat (MAAT) truth. And the Fool of the Tarot. The beginning of the Great Work.
Harpocrates – child Horus. Air.
2=Wisdom, the second emanation of Ra-Hoor-Khuit.
Aleph (0) separates and joins these two emanations.
2=Chokmah. 2X11=22, the Magical manifestation of Chokmah. [Word/Will] Moon.
The High Priestess of the Tarot.
0= the Holy Ghost. 2= the Virgin.
ASNIA in full= 111+120_110+20+111= 472 (or 682 using Sh [330] for Samekh.
AShNA= 662
ASNIAL= 546
LASNIAL= 620 etc
Sunday 10th June. I decided upon a Talismanic working
Kedemel Working II
11.00 p.m.
(carried out in the exact manner as performed on Wednesday 16th May)
Monday 11th June. 12.30 a.m. Open T. Good astral rising.
Wednesday 13th June. 01.00 a.m. Invoke Fire Pentagram. Vibrate Names. Good assumption of form.
Thursday 14th June. Success with the Kedemel working II!
Saturday 16th June. 12.50 a.m. Open T. Fire Tatwa.
Wednesday 20th June. 01.00 a.m. Invoke Fire Tatwa with the Names etc. I used a horizontal ‘rising on the planes’ instead of a vertical. The Eucharist of One – dead matter – the Spirit. This circle squared is a key [O and +] feminine and masculine [Two equals Zero] Love under will.
O= Agape: Love. The Moon. O= Ain – 61.
+= Thelema: Will. The Sun. += Tau – 32 61+32=93
2= Line/Cross – the Phallus.
O= The Circle – the Kteis.
Sulphur Salt Mercury
(fiery, (passive, (flux, Reconciliation= Philosopher’s Stone
Male, female, bisexual,
Soul) body) spirit)
Thursday 21st June. Summer Solstice. 01.15 a.m. Open T. Rising on the planes. I found myself in an old dark house. I had stigmata’s on my hands. Complete rapture, difficult to describe, on entering into the infinite love of Nu. 10.30-11.00 p.m. a ritual which shall remain nameless.
The Rite of Jupiter: the Hismael Working.
Invoke EL, Tzadqiel, Iophiel, Hismael. The Circle was cast etc... all very dark! The dealings with this rite are silence!
Friday 22nd June. 01.00 a.m. And a golden Ankh of flames was given unto me, after invoking the trinity of Thelema: Nuit, Hadit, Ra-Hoor-Khuit – and I knew it immediately as a sign to ‘go’.
Saturday 23rd June. 12.50 a.m. Invoke Nuit in the astral form. Vibrate ‘Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law, love is the law, love under will’ as a mantra. I made Dharana on the symbol of Nu from the Stele.
Monday 25th June. 01.00 a.m. Open T. Rising on the planes. A golden light with a hexagram above. Mantra: Do what thou wilt etc.
Tuesday 26th June. 01.00 a.m. I used the new formula of the Hexagram and the golden light. Invoke: INRI – Yod, Nun, Resh, Yod/ Virgo, Isis etc and used the L.V.X. signs [see Magick]. I found myself within a jewelled palace. A bat flew about my head.
Wednesday 27th June. 01.00 a.m. Open T. Lesser Banishing Rituals of the Pentagram and the Hexagram. I invoke Nu (I used the golden light and the Hexagram formula). Good rising on the planes. Mantra: Do what thou wilt etc. I saw the name of Horus written in a great book.
P____.=83 [8+3=11]
P____. by Aiq Bkr =11. [8+1+1+1=11]
ASNIA by Aiq Bkr =11
Success in the Jupiter Rite – the Hismael working! Drawing planetary and zodiac seals.
Lingam: Heru-Ra-Ha [Active= Horus, Ra-Hoor-Khuit – the Enterer. Passive= Hoor-Paar-Kraat: Babalon and the Beast conjoined – Yoni= Nuit.
Friday 29th June. Success in the Vision of the Ankh completed!
Sunday 1st July. 01.00 a.m. Open T. Invoke Fire Tatwa. Vibrate Names etc. Good but tired. 7.30 p.m. Made my confession. 9 p.m. Performed the Invocation of Horus from The Equinox of the Gods. Tuesday 3rd July. =O=61 – Ain. Nuit. Womb. [Infinite Space] also the Earth symbol. The Rose of R.C. [Rosy Cross]. The Yoni.
+ = The Point. Hadit (hiding). Matter. Horizontal and Vertical. L.V.X. The Cross of R.C.
The Lingam. =Venus and Love. (0=1,2,4,6,5,3, Sephira on the Tree of Life [Above the Abyss].
+ =6,9,10 and 7,8 Sephira on the Tree of Life [Below the Abyss].
The circle squared =The Formula of the Universe [Ra-Hoor-Khuit].
Also note the Ankh [Rose Cross]
Note: A strain is rent in nature’s ‘fluidic’ vehicle which must be compensated for and balanced to regain equilibrium.
Wednesday 4th July. 12.20 a.m. R.C. in Ajna. The symbolism of R.C. I am making preparations for a Pan working. Either a 63 or a 131 period of devotion. A good alternative is 70 [Ayin= 70 – Capricorn etc].
Thursday 5th July. 01.00 a.m. Dharana on R.C. Mantra: ‘Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. Love is the law, love under will’. Good. The R.C. was propelled into different directions, serpent-like, which I followed, yea! Even unto the Eye of Horus!I found myself in a room, dark with soft moonlight. I was lying on a bed and I saw at the side of the bed the horn of Παν – more like deer antlers. They remained near me, and they were still. I tried to call out, but in vain. I did eventually and became conscious again. Dharana on R.C. from morning [01.00 a.m.] – The red petals fall from the rose – tears of blood (Lunar – Yoni). The life blood, lunar tears or menstruam. It’s counterpart, the cross ‘weeps’ solar tears, or spermatozoan. Life’s essence: The redeeming force. Disturb the equilibrium, and both cry/weep alone. There can be no satisfaction of principles. This is Tetragrammaton – the self-dying, the self-rising – one must truly understand the formula of YHVH to comprehend this idea!
+ [Osiris/Christ/Hadit]
O [Isis/Mary/Nuit]
Saturday 7th July. 12.20 a.m. Open T. Recite ‘Hymn to Παν’ in astral form. Very good.
Sunday 8th July. 12.40 a.m. Open T. Recite ‘Hymn to Παν’ in astral form. It was spoken, not by me, but by a voice from within which echoed my own voice causing duality! The astral assumption was very good and my lower limbs disappeared, especially my right leg. There was no sensation whatsoever. I was unable to tell if my leg was raised or flat or bent or anything. There was no surface to the leg and no surface to the bed which touched the leg. Liber Samekh. 8.45 p.m. The Circle is drawn. I performed the Banishing Rituals of the Pentagram and the Hexagram. Asana, a position similar to the Bear, but incorporating the sign of Pan. Recite ‘Hymn to Παν’. Mantra (aloud): ‘Καιρε Σωτη Κοσμου, Ιω Παν, Ιω Παν.’ Then after approximately 10 minutes I performed the mantra silent, passive [internal]. I began to feel the excitement and enthusiasm as I banished every veil with the Pentagram, further and further, yet it was ‘nowhere’. The form of Παν sat within, his body enveloping my own earth body as if to conjoin with my astral body. My hands became electric – his face was a withered rag of debauchery; his fleecy thighs, thick with unutterable lusts. I ended the work at 9.20 p.m. and banished the circle etc. [Throughout the working I had been facing north, towards Boleskine].
Monday 9th July. 12.30 a.m. Open T. Recite ‘Hymn to Παν’. Astral rising on the planes. Mantra: ‘AUMGN’ Very good.
Friday 13th July. 12.30 a.m. 6.45 p.m. Invocation of Horus. 11.30 p.m. Open T. An astral working pertaining to the R.C.
Thursday 19th July. 11.45 p.m. astral work – the Ankh.
Friday 20th July. 12.30 a.m. Attempt an Invocation of Nuit but I was too exhausted.
Wednesday 8th July. 11.40 p.m. Open T. Attempt an invocation of Nuit but I somehow got lost in sleep. Although the waiting has paid off – strong again!
Thursday 9th August. I awoke feeling that something important had occurred.
Sunday 12th August. 01.00 a.m. Dharana on R.C. and invocation of Nuit using ‘Do what thou wilt’ mantra.
Tuesday 14th August. The adorations continue unbroken. I have also added the Thelemic ‘will’ in the last few days before eating, which I shall continue to do.
Wednesday 15th August. 12.10 a.m. Astral and ‘Do what thou wilt’ but very tired.
Friday 17th August. Just before the stroke of seven p.m. I confirmed my oath towards the Great Work to give every ounce of my being, and all that I have etc. Asana: 10.55-11.25 p.m. incorporating ‘Kundalini’ exercises in breathing. A strange tiredness helps to create the correct attitude!
Saturday 18th August. 01.00 a.m. R.C. in Ajna. Very strong, the astral is the strongest as yet! A magical day revealed since last night’s oath and the minor working of Sunday around midnight – my body has become tempered and strong, the light streams in ever widening circles etc. The Ordeal of Abandonment [five year period of silence in Magic – H.P.K.] of which I failed in one sense, though was triumphant in another – I gave every ounce of myself, I held back not one drop, all that I held dear and valued, I lost, many, by my own hands! Today, I thought of the magical weapons, I thought of the sword and its difficulty in attaining etc when lo and behold! I was stopped in my tracks and compelled to turn round and I saw row upon row of antique swords in a shop window [‘B______’ Antiques]. The strange thing was that it was only a five minute walk from my home, thus proving as if those secret chiefs were laughing at the fool that nothing is really too difficult to attain!
Sunday 19th August. 2.15 p.m. Dharana on the symbol of the triangle within the circle. I concentrate on the breath rising from the Mulhadara Cakra to the Ajna and back down again. I realise that asana and dharana cannot be done in bed for bed conjures sleep to tired eyes! 8.15 p.m. Asana: God position. End at 8.30 p.m.
Monday 20th August. Midnight: Open T. Invocation of Παν, in the sign of Παν, reciting the ‘Hymn to Παν’ – Παν in golden letters upon a doorway. A vision of complete love. The Yoke within the Egg; LVX penetrating beyond the flesh; beyond the shell etc.
Tuesday 21st August. The Vision of the Yoke etc. I was disturbed at 05.15 a.m. Later Soror Lylan – the sign of Παν! – a very successful invocation! Midnight: Dharana on the symbol of the Golden Dawn [Nuit]. Mantra: ‘Do what thou wilt’ etc. Partial success!
Wednesday 22nd August. Samadhi! 1.00 p.m. Sitting in W_____ S____. A very hot day reading ‘Cabalistic Dogma’ from Crowley’s ‘Collected Works’. I was suddenly between worlds and could not concentrate; I lost all sense of reality: Who am I? Where am I? Why am I? And when am I? There was no perception of time or place; no past, no present and no future, just complete annihilation. My only sense impression was of being a speck of dirt upon a sod of earth, speeding through space (the dark void) and nothing else. There was no ‘being’ only ‘going’ [Hadit]. It took some time for normal reality to return. 8.55 p.m. I read the 19th call from the 30 aethyrs and invoked the 30th aethyr: Tex. Sitting in the Dragon position. I had to abandon the work at 9.10 p.m. due to outside distractions. Sunday 26th August. 03.00 a.m. Vision: I was a third party in a rite concerning the IX degree – the sacrament and the seed. The veil was rent and I tasted of the bitter fruit and almost wretched. The sacrament contained minute specks of some hard material, which could not be swallowed and spoilt its sweetness.
Tuesday 28th August. 9.50 p.m. Opus 1. Asana: my position. I used the Elixer. Mantra: ‘Do what thou wilt’. I found myself in a field, robed, at the foot of a great, towering cross. The cross was of wood and it was rotten. At its centre there was a rose, and I knelt at its foot as it cried tears of blood upon the dusty earth, which was stained and clotted black with blood. The sky was a luminous bright blue and there were golden cornfields around. I entered the portal of Παν in the sign of the Enterer (Hadit) and rose up into the starry blue heavens. I suddenly found that I had stopped and was confronted by a green and blue-skinned naked woman, perfectly formed, yet strange; she was dark haired and lithe limbed. We rose into the air together in unison and her touch was beauty and her kiss was sweet – I did not resist unison, and she was as some beast upon me, snapping with wild ferocious jaws, taking of my flesh in ecstasy. I drew the pentagram of earth before her and she returned to her former self, then I made the sign of Harpocrates and she shrivelled unto nothing. But she had given me her name and it was TRINIA – her skin too terrible to behold, was wrought by madness, kist with gold! The vision ended at 10.10 p.m.
Hebrew: TRINIA=9+200+10+50+10+1=280 (or TRINIAH=285) or 400+200+10+50+10+1=680.
Greek: Τρινια=300+100+10+50+10+1=480 (or Τρινηα=300+100+10+50+8+1=478.
Wednesday 29th August. 11.35 p.m. Opus II. Asana: God position. Elixer. Invoke Fire (God names etc). Great progress in the rising on the planes [energised enthusiasm] but I had to abandon the work at 11.45 p.m. as I was disturbed. The asana became quite rigid in a short time and the astral release was swift.
Thursday 30th August. 9.45 p.m. Opus III. Asana: God position. Elixer. Read 19th call and the 29th aethyr – Rii. The asana was good and so was the breathing. Yet I must declare it a failure and ended at 10.05 p.m. I know why I failed, I was exhausted and felt it to be ‘time consuming’ – I have so much to do!
*The Passion and the Prayer: On 2nd November 1999 I moved into a new residence - Room 7, ___ Manchester Street, W1 London. It was a large room but strangely there was a locked door with the bed pushed against it. I went to bed in the early hours of the next day and at 3.20 a.m. was awoken by the sensation of hands around my legs, trying to remove me from the bed. As I lay there in fear I heard groaning noises coming from behind the locked door. I looked around and noticed certain items of mine had been moved, even 'placed' on the bed! [I had not consumed any alcohol]. I went back to bed and immediately had a vision of paper being blown around the room. Then the hands were upon me once more. I sense a presence near the bed, by the door and it was very strong. For some reason it wanted me off the bed, but I resisted, and it took all my will to do so. The door continued to make its un-earthly noises and several more times the hands were on me until finally I said a prayer aloud. The next day I left that room never to return again but I stayed in the room above for some years and every time I passed it on the stairs I had the sensation that something 'evil' was there.
About two years later a friend of mine who has 'mediumistic' ability told me she sensed a bad atmosphere around that room and on the stairs. I had not said a word to her yet she would not walk past the room on her own and said a death occurred in terrible circumstances in that room. The poem 'The Passion and the Prayer' is about that night and begins:
What occupant beats beside a lover's brain?
Who hears the whispers of the past?
It is the old world that comes again
With dreams, softly as a ghost.
Love is the Law, love under will.
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